EPISODE 10 THE HEARTBREAK KID

I was about to get a break away from wrestling, which felt very needed. Not because my body was hurting, but in a world that’s so competitive without being an actual competition, a bit of space to garner perspective can be very helpful.

At the same time, it wasn’t lost on me how much the business had changed since we got here. That was what I wanted to do, right? Create a more equal space?

In a matter of years we had made sure women were positioned in a favorable spot. I had already made history more times than I could count.

I had been involved in the first-ever women’s ladder match, and the first time women had main evented SmackDown in a cage match. I’d been in the first-ever tables match for a women’s title. I had competed in the first intergender match in a decade. Anytime I got the chance to tell a story I could make the people care. Wasn’t that victory in itself?

It was. But I wanted all the superficial shit that equated success, not that internal satisfaction or fulfillment that comes from knowing you were doing a good job and creating change.

No! I wanted to be on the posters, the DVDs, the billboards. I wanted to main event WrestleMania and it looked no closer in sight than trying to get a glimpse of the ancient pyramids from the Emerald Isle. Impossible.

My brain was going to get to focus on something else for a month.

I had been cast in one of WWE’s franchise films, The Marine 6. They are low-budget, cheesy action movies, but I was elated to get a chance to show off my acting chops, take a few steps away from the ring, and garner a new approach.

It helped that I was starring alongside the legend that is Shawn Michaels, one of the greatest to ever lace up a pair of boots. As we drove to and from the set together, I took every second to pick his brain, wishing for red lights and traffic jams so I might pick up a thing or two. His raspy voice detailed his trials and tribulations and lessons he learned along the way. He told me about how he had found the character of the “Heartbreak Kid,” admitting he didn’t always feel confident but could live vicariously through the character. I listened, my mind boggled that even Shawn Michaels didn’t always feel confident. To me he was the living embodiment of confidence. Maybe everyone feels like this? Maybe I wasn’t so out of place. Maybe we’re all battling those demons that tell us we’re not good enough.

“But what about wrestling? Did you ever struggle with anything in the ring?” I asked, hopeful we could find more common ground.

“Nothing really. It always came quite easy for me.”

Ah, fuck, I thought. Well, that I can’t relate to. It had always been a struggle for me. So maybe I wasn’t going to be the next Shawn Michaels in the ring. But I didn’t have to be.

I just needed to be able to tell a story and connect with the crowd.

“How do I change things, though? I feel like I’m in such a rut. What can I do when I go back?” I implored as we pulled up to our London hotel room.

“Go back with a different air about you. A different aura. Hold yourself like a star. I think Miz did that when he came back after shooting his first movie. He repackaged himself and everyone looked at him differently,” he said as he got out of the car.

“I can do that,” I said unconfidently, already wondering if anyone would buy it.